I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
