Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize
