remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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