New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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