i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
