my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
