the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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