I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
