You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
