Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
