You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
