ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
