Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
