I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
