i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
