I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
