Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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