I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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