This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
