I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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