I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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