It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
NoShamevember. You game?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
