Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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