your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
