quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
