your parents love me but you hate me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I intend to get homeless drunk
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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