I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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