his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
