I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
