I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
