Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
