i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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