Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
