it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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