The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
