Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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