I smell stomach acid.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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