I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
