she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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