Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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