I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
