that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
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in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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