I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
