You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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