I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
