Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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