I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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