I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
