shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
