i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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