And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
