Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.