OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
