I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I AM VODKA MAN
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
