I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
