Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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