i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
