My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
