Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
