DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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