my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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