What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
