This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
